I went to Buddhist practice this morning. The center is practically empty during weekdays. So, the parking lot is invaded by some home-less people. One of them acted like the "crazy" man that I mentioned earlier. She just kept on murmuring her arguments with some imaginary figure. She reminded me of the Village Idiot
in the parking lot of Cinema Paradiso.
Saturday, July 21, 2018
Sunday, July 15, 2018
"Crazy Sorrow" Part II
I think the past events haunted me is actually my sorrow. I twisted it by insisting of being treated unfairly. I revisited the events frequently and acted like the crazy men that I had mentioned. My adrenaline came up and it refueled the next re-run of my sorrow. I guess that is what "Dukka" (suffering) all about. The "unsatisfaction" drove my crazy sorrow.
I decided to call my friend today and deliver a apology of my previous behavior. I am not sure we could be friends anymore but my "crazy sorrow" is somewhat relived by talking about it. I guess I must have had lots of affection to her that I repeated the arguments several years ago.
There are other "sorrow" that I couldn't call to resolve. There are sorrows about being lied to repeatedly. There are sorrows about being extremely rude. It is not about being right or wrong but about ceasing to play a drama in my head again.
I decided to call my friend today and deliver a apology of my previous behavior. I am not sure we could be friends anymore but my "crazy sorrow" is somewhat relived by talking about it. I guess I must have had lots of affection to her that I repeated the arguments several years ago.
There are other "sorrow" that I couldn't call to resolve. There are sorrows about being lied to repeatedly. There are sorrows about being extremely rude. It is not about being right or wrong but about ceasing to play a drama in my head again.
Thursday, July 05, 2018
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow
I've observed a man in a Starbucks a week ago. He seemed to carry a lot of anger and just kept on channeling the anger by repeating his arguments out loud. Everybody else might easily labelled him as crazy.
However, when I think of my past, my sorrow and anger towards some past events will come up from time to time. I wish I could do better but the difference between me and him is that I could hide it a bit better by not playing a drama in front of the others. However, these arguments have been played many times in last two years. I suppose if someone can read my mind, I will be considered as "crazy" too.
He must have gone through a lot of hardship. While I have my sympathy, I also realized I lack sympathy to myself. I guess that is why a wise man would ask you to stop making up story in your head. The Buddha would say we couldn't stop this but we could aware this. Once we aware, it would be the first most important step to find a solution, wouldn't it?
I came across a cover of a song, Mr. Tambourine Man, a few days ago. I fell in love with the singer's voice. But when I explore the lyrics, the talk about the sorrow touched me:
Then take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow
My "crazy sorrow" has twisted my memory of the past. I wish to have good terms with old friends but some promise becomes a reason of sorrow. So, I twisted the paramita of patience and persistence to an excuse. I wish I could do it better.
However, when I think of my past, my sorrow and anger towards some past events will come up from time to time. I wish I could do better but the difference between me and him is that I could hide it a bit better by not playing a drama in front of the others. However, these arguments have been played many times in last two years. I suppose if someone can read my mind, I will be considered as "crazy" too.
He must have gone through a lot of hardship. While I have my sympathy, I also realized I lack sympathy to myself. I guess that is why a wise man would ask you to stop making up story in your head. The Buddha would say we couldn't stop this but we could aware this. Once we aware, it would be the first most important step to find a solution, wouldn't it?
I came across a cover of a song, Mr. Tambourine Man, a few days ago. I fell in love with the singer's voice. But when I explore the lyrics, the talk about the sorrow touched me:
Then take me disappearing through the smoke rings of my mind
Down the foggy ruins of time, far past the frozen leaves
The haunted, frightened trees, out to the windy beach
Far from the twisted reach of crazy sorrow
My "crazy sorrow" has twisted my memory of the past. I wish to have good terms with old friends but some promise becomes a reason of sorrow. So, I twisted the paramita of patience and persistence to an excuse. I wish I could do it better.
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